Inanimate Objects Always get the Last Laugh

Do you ever wish that inanimate objects had feelings? When you, say, stub your toe on the corner of your bed frame or knock your knee on your coffee table, you could inflict the same amount of pain on that object that it inflicted upon you.

I was emptying the dishwasher this morning with the cabinet door open above it, and the corner of the cabinet just drilled into the top of my head. I almost instinctively started wailing on the cabinet in retaliation. Then the anger for not being able to get the cabinet back was worse than the actual physical pain.

It reminds me of a time that I was walking through a crowded bar with my brother, and some big oaf grabbed my ass. Instinctively, I turned around and decked the person. He happened to be about the size of a linebacker, and the amount of "pain" my punch inflicted upon him was about the equivalent to the pressure of a graceful declawed cat landing on your lap, but the point was that I noticed the vile act and responded equally and oppositely.

Meanwhile, my brother, shocked, asked, "Why did you just punch that guy?" I answered, "'Cause he grabbed my ass." My brother said, "Good, I wasn't about to mess with him." While I never got around to meeting the gentleman to find out if he was just a drunken idiot or a convicted rapist, I imagine he understood my dissatisfaction.

So how do you make inanimate objects feel the same pain you feel?

NCIS: Los Angeles not as good as NCIS

A few months ago I was surprised to learn that not only is NCIS the most watched drama on television, but that the new one, NCIS: Los Angeles was in the top 20. While I was surprised about NCIS, I wasn't shocked. It's good. The characters are likable, and Mark Harmon, even as an older man, is still hot. I know that they killed Kate's character because the actress wanted to leave the show, but I don't think that I'm the only one that thinks Ziva is like a million times better than Kate. Kate was a holier than thou, uptight bitty, and Ziva, well, Ziva just rocks.

After learning that the L.A. show was doing well, I started TiVoing it. It hasn't exactly captured my undivided attention yet. Now, I like Chris O'Donnell, LL Cool J and come on, Linda Hunt is from the Goonies. How could I not like her? When watching a new episode yesterday, the show began with Kensi, played by Daniela Ruah, getting shot to death. Then they did one of those cliche episodes where they go to 24 hours earlier and work their way to that shooting scene. I was psyched. I thought, "Hey! Maybe this show just got interesting." My husband and I both kind of hoped that she was really dead.

Disappointed, I was. I actually didn't watch the whole episode because it lost my attention halfway through, but I think the gist was that the whole shooting was a set-up, and it was all fake. So Kensi didn't die. I really think the show would have taken a turn for the better had they written her off. She just doesn't bring anything to the table. The scenes without her in them are more entertaining, and out with the truth now. That birth mark on her eye is SO DISTRACTING that I honestly don't pay attention to the plot when she's on because all I see is her crazy eye. Why would they cast someone with such a blatantly visible flaw? I mean, I think it's worse than Owen Wilson's nose or Melissa Joan Hart's mismatched face (this bugs my mom, I actually like her and don't mind her one droopy side).

Anyway, I think I've just about given up on NCIS: L.A. If I hear that Ruah's gone, I might go back to it, but right now I'm addicted to HGTV and dramas just aren't doing it for me, with the exception of "The Good Wife". If you're a woman, you should check it out. It's very entertaining. If you're a dude, it's probably not for you.

We Could All Learn Something from Conan

In an attempt to follow Conan O'Brien's advice in his final words on "The Tonight Show" I am going to try to keep this blog positive, at least at the beginning. Right now, I am pregnant with a little girl due at the end of May. Obviously for the past several months I've been thinking of different parenting methods, daydreaming about what her talents would be, praying for her to be intelligent, figuring out how to financially support another life and of course, making a list of important lessons.

Up until recently when I found out she was indeed a she, I was convinced she was a he so my thoughts about life-lessons mostly focused on how chivalrous my son was going to be. Every time a man didn't offer me a chair, I thought, my son will know better. When a male neighbor didn't nod his head at me after passing me on the stairs, I thought, my son will have much better social skills. And when one specific superior at work acted in his typically unsympathetic fashion to the fact that my entire body is fatter and weaker, I thought, thank God my son's biggest male influence in his life will be my husband, and he'll know how women should be treated.

Now I know I'm having a little girl, my entire lesson plan has altered slightly, but thanks to Conan O'Brien, I have my first entry ready to go. It's a lesson that I rarely exhibit myself but now I will try to on a regular basis. In Conan's last speech, he looked at the camera and began by stating that since these were his last few moments at NBC, he could really say whatever he wanted. I was expecting some sly backhanded slam at the troubled network, one that couldn't literally be taken as "badmouthing" since apparently his out-contract prohibits him from saying anything negative, but something cleverly stated around those stipulations.

Instead, with tears in his eyes, he starts going through his career at NBC starting as a writer for Saturday Night Live in 1988, that would make him 25 years old, pretty much the beginning of his adult life and me, 8 years old, pretty much the age when I started watching and enjoying the less mature jokes on Saturday Night Live. Now anyone around my age, born in 1980, remembers how Saturday nights went from the ages of 8 to about 13, or at least this is how mine went. We would have all girl sleepovers. When we got a little older, we would hope that our friends' brothers would be having a sleepover, too, but nothing went passed a little flirting with those boys, then we would sit together and watch Saturday Night Live, actually live on Saturday night.

Little did I know that the genius behind the sketches making us laugh so hard and mimic at school the following week was Conan O'Brien. Then came "The Simpsons". Now I do remember Simpson's notebooks and paraphernalia getting banned at my Catholic school, but for the most part, I don't think parents or even teachers were discouraging students from watching it. They just wanted to keep it separate from the learning process. That didn't work so well for me. In the next 12 years of my schooling, I think I can count 3 different theoretical papers and one speech that I gave about "The Simpsons". Hey, I'm a T.V. addict, what else am I going to write or talk about? And the most influential seasons for me, came from Conan O'Brien's fingertips.

Then came "Late Night with Conan O'Brien". To this day, I don't watch the Late Show live. Occasionally, I watched David Letterman to see the Top Ten List, and honestly, I was only 13 when Conan took over so I was still probably going to bed super early (what am I talking about, still? I would go to bed at 9 now if I weren't working). The one thing I knew, though, was that it was a big deal that this Conan O'Brien guy was taking over. The whole thing was big. My family was happy that David Letterman was moving to an earlier time slot on CBS because they always liked him much more than Leno, and Conan had already built a pretty big name for himself, plus, he was an Irish Catholic. We liked him by default.

Eventually "Late Night" started getting aired on Comedy Central the next day, and I began watching Conan more regularly. I would be sitting alone in my apartment laughing hysterically out loud with my window open. What people walking by must have wondered. I started to study up on this Conan guy and found out about his past resume including his Bachelor of Arts from Harvard among several other commendations. He was no phony. This guy was and is a genius, and we Americans are all better off for this genius having chosen comedy as his preferred field as opposed to something that has no beneficial effect on us whatsoever like astrophysics or law (sarcasm button... slightly, I'm still serious about the comedy thing). I even ordered a t-shirt with a cartoon Conan O'Brien on it from NBC. I still have it and wear it.

It seems like yesterday when NBC announced that Conan would eventually take over "The Tonight Show", but when it happened, I remember thinking that it was SO far away. Then all of a sudden, it was 2009, and boom, there was Conan in an earlier time slot. I still don't watch it live because I don't watch anything live. Even if I want to watch something live, I Tivo it, then watch it 18 minutes later. Sorry advertisers. But I do Tivo Conan every single night. I wouldn't say that I watch every minute of every show because we all know that some celebrities are more boring than others, and some I honestly just don't like, but for someone who isn't a loyal talk show watcher and who would never make the effort to watch Letterman regularly and never Leno, this was a big deal. I secretly hope that the satellite companies can tap into my DVR system and figure my recordings into ratings. I know that ratings are all about advertising and if I'm not watching commercials, then I really don't count at all, but a girl can hope.

The point is, Conan is awesome. He's funny, clever, self-deprecating and genuine, and now after watching his final episode I can add graceful, dignified, and loyal. Even after getting royally screwed by NBC, even after having his dream job ripped from him so callously, he remained poised and complimented the network that had employed him for nearly 25 years.

In his last words he stated that whatever the differences were right now between him and NBC, they had had a very good relationship over the past 2 decades and the network was responsible for the majority of his success as an adult. He said that we as viewers have nothing to worry about with him, that he has had so many positive things happen to him in his life that he is happy and grateful. He emphasized that we shouldn't feel sorry for him that he was just lucky that he got to do his dream job for 7 months. He said that if he has to do his show in a 7-11 parking lot, he'll do it, but he's thankful for the outpour of support over these past few weeks. Then the next thing he said hit home. He told us as viewers but especially young people to not be cynical; it's the quality he despises most in people. He said that nothing in life is going to turn out exactly like we planned, but if we're good honest people, we will be rewarded in one way or another. He told us not to be cynical about this or anything.

This is the first bit of advice I'll put on the docket of etiquette and life lessons for my daughter. Nothing will go exactly as planned, but keep your head high and push on, and don't ever feel wronged or bitter. Take everything that happens to you both positive and negative, and learn from it. I know that I still need to learn this from Conan O'Brien, but hopefully my daughter will be a better person than I.

I've been trying to follow his advice, but would he put being vindictive in a subcategory of cynicism? The truth is, I've never thought twice or cared whether Jay Leno succeeded or failed. He's never been on my radar, and even years ago when I learned that his show beat out Letterman, I was surprised because I had NEVER met anyone who watched him, but now I hope he falls on his ass and burns. I can't wait for his ratings to drop so low that NBC realizes that it was all Johnny Carson who set up Leno's success and had nothing to do with that ego-maniac.

I am going to watch Letterman live along with every boring, agonizing minute of commercials and I recommend everyone do this just so Leno's show flops.

I was recently watching TMZ, and I actually enjoy Harvey Levin as the news director. When he goes off on his factual tangents, I'm always eager to learn some new fact that he's sharing with us while his employees get all glassy eyed and dazed. I think he's intelligent and insightful, but I do prefer him as a news director to a reporter himself. I also share his love, not obsession, for the show "Dexter". However, Harvey, I'm sorry but you're an idiot for saying that Conan O'Brien was acting like a baby. First of all, I don't believe that for one second, but if I did, how would you act if you had been promised then given your dream job, then had it unnecessarily and undeservedly taken away? I doubt anyone would go out with as much tact and wit as Conan. Let's be honest, NBC made a HUGE error in judgement, they took it way to far before they realized the mistake they had made, and they had to follow through with it. That is the only logical explanation. Good luck to them.... NOT!

I truly love you, Conan, and while I don't know your wife, I love her, too, because I trust that the woman you decided to spend your life with and make a family with is just as cool a person as you, and I love your children because I can't wait to see what your offspring offers to the world. I will miss you, Conan, and support you in whatever is the next endeavor of your life. Hopefully, I'll see you soon.

Brittany Murphy's Gross Husband

It is the day after the shocking news of Brittany Murphy's death. While I was never a fan, I don't want to see a young person's life cut short, and who didn't love her in Clueless? I also don't want to speak ill of the dead so I'm just going to speak ill of her widower, Simon Monjack. He is a fat disgusting balding slob of a human with a criminal record, outstanding debt and nearly no accomplishments to speak of except marrying someone completely out of his league.

Usually when I'm completely flabbergasted by a mismatched couple, I'm able to come up with my own little make-believe story about why or how they fell in love. Take Fergie and Josh Duhamel. Duhamel is arguably one of the top ten hottest actors in Hollywood right now. Years ago whenever I was in a bad mood, I would just watch the scene in Win a Date with Tad Hamilton where he takes his shirt off, and I felt better.

I was sickened when I learned that he was engaged and now married to Fergie. If you look at pictures of them from their honeymoon as if you didn't know that they were famous, like they're just two unknowns enjoying their vacation, you would still wonder why this tall handsome beefcake is with this awkward, dowdy little mess of a woman. But I rationalized this mismatched relationship by convincing myself that she's a cool funny woman who's super successful, a good singer and dancer (even though Fergalicious is one of the worst songs ever written and a complete ripoff of Bootylicious), and Duhamel can pretty much guarantee that she'll never cheat on him since it's doubtful that there is any guy in the world as hot as he is who would touch her. It also made so much sense when it came out that he was cheating on her. Actually, unlike my angry Tiger Woods reaction, I was quite relieved by that news. It was like, "Ah, finally, something in this bizaare union makes sense."

This brings me to Brittany Murphy and Simon Monjack. Not in my wildest imagination could I come up with some sort of logical explanation for why they were together unless he was drugging her. That's my explanation only confirmed by the countless prescriptions found in her home and her untimely death.

Justin Timberlake should act for real

Since I've known who Justin Timberlake was, I've always been a fan. First secretly because NSync wasn't exactly my kind of music in the late 90s. I thought, I'm not going to admit it, but that baby-faced light haired guy is kinda hot. Then he rocked our bodies with his singing, dancing and beat-boxing (is that the word I'm looking for) skills in the early 2000s. I came right out and said, I like Justin Timberlake, he's hot and talented and if I ever were to meet him I would totally jump on the groupie bandwagon. Since then, he's gotten more likable, more wide-ranging offers and more publicity (i.e. "Dick in a Box"). He's proven to have hidden talents beyond what anyone ever expected out of this little Mickey Mouse Club member, but truth be told, I've never seen one movie of his.

I'm truly not a movie buff. I usually forget the names of movies shortly after I see them, and I generally just return to the same stupid comedies or awesome dramas that I love (Caddyshack, Groundhog Day, Goodfellas, The Fugitive). So if I'm missing some groundbreaking performance of JT's please enlighten me because I want him to succeed as an actor. Personally, I think that his days of just taking whatever script is handed to him are long over. He should be competing for roles with Leo and Matt Damon. Now, I could be totally wrong. He may just have the comedic element in his acting, but he is popular, credible and multi-talented; I really think he needs to hold out for an Oscar-worthy performance.

Cheating Tiger Woods

When I initiated conversation about the recent Tiger Woods scandal at work yesterday, my coworkers snapped back with a hostile, "Why do you even care?" Why do I care? Because it's Tiger Woods. Because a man who has shown in the past to have almost no weaknesses just committed the weakest sin a man could commit. Because while I respect him as a golfer and don't want to see his relationship with his wife end up like Phil Hartman's did, I've never really been a fan, and it's nice to see him knocked down a peg or two.

I figured that their, "Why do I care?" question was just a rhetorical one and that all my responses were understood. I simply responded with a shocked blank stare. My boss proceeded to ask how any of his discretions were our business. This I actually had an answer to. Now it's been about 10 years since I've taken first amendment law so I'm a bit rusty, but I seem to remember something about public figures giving up their right to privacy .. uh especially when that public figure crashes into public property like say.. a fire hydrant.

My boss' response, "Is he a public figure by choice or did we make him one?" My answer was, "It doesn't matter." But it still kept bugging me when I went home last night. While I know that every public figure from Monica Lewinsky to the guy who caught the ball at the Cubs game (hey I like the guy) involuntarily gives up their right to privacy once they've become famous, is it ethically right for us to get involved? I still arrived at the answer, "Yes." The poor Cubs guy shouldn't have left Chicago and changed his identity. I do not agree with his crucification, but if that' s the story, the media just follows it. And for Lewinsky, come on, she capitalized on her home-wrecker status.

As for Tiger Woods, did he voluntarily become a public figure? Besides the fact that he grew up American and is well aware what happens to professional athletes, he's signed multimillion dollar contracts with Nike, Gatorade among others, and he married a Swedish supermodel. Yeah, I think he willingly took the spotlight. And as usual, a scorned celebrity is missing the big picture. America is forgiving. We are. Trust me. I've worked in media, I'm a television addict and I understand human nature being the extremely flawed person that I am.

Tiger is in the public eye and he needs to accept it and embrace it. His public announcement on his website was all about HIM and his privacy and his own business. The only thing I heard in his entire confession/apology/plea for privacy was this: blah blah blah I'm a whiny jerk who cheated on my wife now leave me alone. So why couldn't he have just said that? It sucks that he cheated on her. It was possibly the cruelest and most selfish act he could have ever committed against his family, but you know what, I'm not perfect, I'm pretty sure neither are you so I get it. But don't sit there are criticize me for taking an invested interest in Tiger's lack of perfection until he comes out and says, "I'm a total jerk. My wife has every right to leave me and take my family from me. If I honestly thought that I could get away with this being the person I am, then not only am I a jerk, but I'm stupid, too. My wife is a lovely woman who deserves better, my kids deserve better, but I intend to spend the rest of my days convincing them that this will never happen again and that I will be the husband and father they deserve. Now I'm looking forward to the next big news story so this will all be considered old news."

I just wanted him to admit that he's a stupid jerk. That's it. Would I be done talking about it? Probably not, but I'd have more respect for him, and patiently wait for the next big scandal so I could talk about that to death.

This is about food not T.V.

I ate at an Italian restaurant last night. I actually had a very pleasant meal which surprised me. I grew up in an almost entirely Italian town, and now for the past 5 or 6 years lived in a primarily German and Polish area in Wisconsin. It's been a while since I've been to Italy so I don't exactly remember what an actual Italian restaurant is like except for the fact that that the waiter told me that he'd charge me double if I put cheese on fish. Apparently that's a big no-no in Italy, and I remember that they serve you water and bread whether you ask for it or not and then charge you for it. That was annoying for a kid with no money. Hopefully the next time I return I'll have a sizable budget and not mind so much about getting charged for bread and water.

So my closest representation of an actual Italian restaurant would be what I know from home. The biggest difference I've noticed between home and Wisconsin is the bread served before the meal. I'm used to something much heartier, but in the past few years I've had to get used to almost a sweet soft wonderbread-like roll served with butter rather than oil and parmesan. Last night we received a deliciously salty focaccia with oil no parm, but vinegar was on the table. I'll take it. Yes, the bread was soft, as focaccia should be, but at least it wasn't like a typical American dinner roll.

I ordered a dinner size salad which included mixed greens, sliced pears and strawberries, candied walnuts, bleu cheese and a raspberry vinaigrette. It was delicious. For my entree, a cappellini (angel hair) with crushed tomatoes and fresh basil. It could have been saltier, but I'm actually trying to cut salt out of my diet so that's not a complaint. Besides, there was salt on the table. For other people not so food savvy, though, I worry that they don't realize that a bland flavor can sometimes just be remedied by a little salt. I disagree that it's something chefs use just to hide something that doesn't taste that great to begin with (which does happen). Salt creates chemical reactions in food that changes the entire flavor and brightens the dish. I, however, have abused salt in the past few years and am trying to get used to blander foods.

So all in all, a happy satisfied customer. My problem? Almost every menu in almost every Italian restaurant. They are way to big. Why do I need to choose from 30 different pastas? Why are there 10 different chicken options?

I ate at another Italian restaurant last week that literally had a 5 page menu. Let's say we have the most critically acclaimed chef ever (unlikely), who actually does have 5 pages of winners. There is NO WAY a chef can make every single thing on that menu perfectly and tastefully for one night of dinner service. The kitchen has to get stocked with a number of different ingredients to be able to make each of the 150 options, and since there are more items on the menu than patrons, the ingredients are probably chock full of preservatives or just not fresh.

If the restaurant actually tries to use fresh ingredients, the cost of food waste most likely outweighs the profit. If the items on the 5 page menu all have the same 5 or 6 ingredients, why do they need to be prepared 150 different ways. It takes a restaurant-goer longer to sift through the rubbish, increasing turnover time, costing the restaurant more money. And as a customer, I go to a restaurant to see what this particular chef does best. I already know where to get the best lasagna, at the deli by my parents' house. The best gnocchi, the local Italian bistro, the best whitefish with garlic butter sauce, spinach and mashed potatoes, same bistro. Any other Italian food, I cook it myself.

When I go out, I want the chef to woo me. I don't care if there's only one thing on the menu. If that chef makes that one thing better than anyone else makes that one thing, people will return. Logically, a restaurant should choose 10 to 15 items that people just rave about and have that be the entire menu. My worry is that those Italian places with 150 different dishes don't do 10 things well so they that's why they have so many options, then people think, "Oh, I must have made the wrong decision. It's my fault. I'll go back and try the next pasta on the menu." Don't ever think that you made the wrong decision. I firmly believe that the more items on the menu, the worse the restaurant.