Brittany Murphy's Gross Husband

It is the day after the shocking news of Brittany Murphy's death. While I was never a fan, I don't want to see a young person's life cut short, and who didn't love her in Clueless? I also don't want to speak ill of the dead so I'm just going to speak ill of her widower, Simon Monjack. He is a fat disgusting balding slob of a human with a criminal record, outstanding debt and nearly no accomplishments to speak of except marrying someone completely out of his league.

Usually when I'm completely flabbergasted by a mismatched couple, I'm able to come up with my own little make-believe story about why or how they fell in love. Take Fergie and Josh Duhamel. Duhamel is arguably one of the top ten hottest actors in Hollywood right now. Years ago whenever I was in a bad mood, I would just watch the scene in Win a Date with Tad Hamilton where he takes his shirt off, and I felt better.

I was sickened when I learned that he was engaged and now married to Fergie. If you look at pictures of them from their honeymoon as if you didn't know that they were famous, like they're just two unknowns enjoying their vacation, you would still wonder why this tall handsome beefcake is with this awkward, dowdy little mess of a woman. But I rationalized this mismatched relationship by convincing myself that she's a cool funny woman who's super successful, a good singer and dancer (even though Fergalicious is one of the worst songs ever written and a complete ripoff of Bootylicious), and Duhamel can pretty much guarantee that she'll never cheat on him since it's doubtful that there is any guy in the world as hot as he is who would touch her. It also made so much sense when it came out that he was cheating on her. Actually, unlike my angry Tiger Woods reaction, I was quite relieved by that news. It was like, "Ah, finally, something in this bizaare union makes sense."

This brings me to Brittany Murphy and Simon Monjack. Not in my wildest imagination could I come up with some sort of logical explanation for why they were together unless he was drugging her. That's my explanation only confirmed by the countless prescriptions found in her home and her untimely death.

Justin Timberlake should act for real

Since I've known who Justin Timberlake was, I've always been a fan. First secretly because NSync wasn't exactly my kind of music in the late 90s. I thought, I'm not going to admit it, but that baby-faced light haired guy is kinda hot. Then he rocked our bodies with his singing, dancing and beat-boxing (is that the word I'm looking for) skills in the early 2000s. I came right out and said, I like Justin Timberlake, he's hot and talented and if I ever were to meet him I would totally jump on the groupie bandwagon. Since then, he's gotten more likable, more wide-ranging offers and more publicity (i.e. "Dick in a Box"). He's proven to have hidden talents beyond what anyone ever expected out of this little Mickey Mouse Club member, but truth be told, I've never seen one movie of his.

I'm truly not a movie buff. I usually forget the names of movies shortly after I see them, and I generally just return to the same stupid comedies or awesome dramas that I love (Caddyshack, Groundhog Day, Goodfellas, The Fugitive). So if I'm missing some groundbreaking performance of JT's please enlighten me because I want him to succeed as an actor. Personally, I think that his days of just taking whatever script is handed to him are long over. He should be competing for roles with Leo and Matt Damon. Now, I could be totally wrong. He may just have the comedic element in his acting, but he is popular, credible and multi-talented; I really think he needs to hold out for an Oscar-worthy performance.

Cheating Tiger Woods

When I initiated conversation about the recent Tiger Woods scandal at work yesterday, my coworkers snapped back with a hostile, "Why do you even care?" Why do I care? Because it's Tiger Woods. Because a man who has shown in the past to have almost no weaknesses just committed the weakest sin a man could commit. Because while I respect him as a golfer and don't want to see his relationship with his wife end up like Phil Hartman's did, I've never really been a fan, and it's nice to see him knocked down a peg or two.

I figured that their, "Why do I care?" question was just a rhetorical one and that all my responses were understood. I simply responded with a shocked blank stare. My boss proceeded to ask how any of his discretions were our business. This I actually had an answer to. Now it's been about 10 years since I've taken first amendment law so I'm a bit rusty, but I seem to remember something about public figures giving up their right to privacy .. uh especially when that public figure crashes into public property like say.. a fire hydrant.

My boss' response, "Is he a public figure by choice or did we make him one?" My answer was, "It doesn't matter." But it still kept bugging me when I went home last night. While I know that every public figure from Monica Lewinsky to the guy who caught the ball at the Cubs game (hey I like the guy) involuntarily gives up their right to privacy once they've become famous, is it ethically right for us to get involved? I still arrived at the answer, "Yes." The poor Cubs guy shouldn't have left Chicago and changed his identity. I do not agree with his crucification, but if that' s the story, the media just follows it. And for Lewinsky, come on, she capitalized on her home-wrecker status.

As for Tiger Woods, did he voluntarily become a public figure? Besides the fact that he grew up American and is well aware what happens to professional athletes, he's signed multimillion dollar contracts with Nike, Gatorade among others, and he married a Swedish supermodel. Yeah, I think he willingly took the spotlight. And as usual, a scorned celebrity is missing the big picture. America is forgiving. We are. Trust me. I've worked in media, I'm a television addict and I understand human nature being the extremely flawed person that I am.

Tiger is in the public eye and he needs to accept it and embrace it. His public announcement on his website was all about HIM and his privacy and his own business. The only thing I heard in his entire confession/apology/plea for privacy was this: blah blah blah I'm a whiny jerk who cheated on my wife now leave me alone. So why couldn't he have just said that? It sucks that he cheated on her. It was possibly the cruelest and most selfish act he could have ever committed against his family, but you know what, I'm not perfect, I'm pretty sure neither are you so I get it. But don't sit there are criticize me for taking an invested interest in Tiger's lack of perfection until he comes out and says, "I'm a total jerk. My wife has every right to leave me and take my family from me. If I honestly thought that I could get away with this being the person I am, then not only am I a jerk, but I'm stupid, too. My wife is a lovely woman who deserves better, my kids deserve better, but I intend to spend the rest of my days convincing them that this will never happen again and that I will be the husband and father they deserve. Now I'm looking forward to the next big news story so this will all be considered old news."

I just wanted him to admit that he's a stupid jerk. That's it. Would I be done talking about it? Probably not, but I'd have more respect for him, and patiently wait for the next big scandal so I could talk about that to death.

This is about food not T.V.

I ate at an Italian restaurant last night. I actually had a very pleasant meal which surprised me. I grew up in an almost entirely Italian town, and now for the past 5 or 6 years lived in a primarily German and Polish area in Wisconsin. It's been a while since I've been to Italy so I don't exactly remember what an actual Italian restaurant is like except for the fact that that the waiter told me that he'd charge me double if I put cheese on fish. Apparently that's a big no-no in Italy, and I remember that they serve you water and bread whether you ask for it or not and then charge you for it. That was annoying for a kid with no money. Hopefully the next time I return I'll have a sizable budget and not mind so much about getting charged for bread and water.

So my closest representation of an actual Italian restaurant would be what I know from home. The biggest difference I've noticed between home and Wisconsin is the bread served before the meal. I'm used to something much heartier, but in the past few years I've had to get used to almost a sweet soft wonderbread-like roll served with butter rather than oil and parmesan. Last night we received a deliciously salty focaccia with oil no parm, but vinegar was on the table. I'll take it. Yes, the bread was soft, as focaccia should be, but at least it wasn't like a typical American dinner roll.

I ordered a dinner size salad which included mixed greens, sliced pears and strawberries, candied walnuts, bleu cheese and a raspberry vinaigrette. It was delicious. For my entree, a cappellini (angel hair) with crushed tomatoes and fresh basil. It could have been saltier, but I'm actually trying to cut salt out of my diet so that's not a complaint. Besides, there was salt on the table. For other people not so food savvy, though, I worry that they don't realize that a bland flavor can sometimes just be remedied by a little salt. I disagree that it's something chefs use just to hide something that doesn't taste that great to begin with (which does happen). Salt creates chemical reactions in food that changes the entire flavor and brightens the dish. I, however, have abused salt in the past few years and am trying to get used to blander foods.

So all in all, a happy satisfied customer. My problem? Almost every menu in almost every Italian restaurant. They are way to big. Why do I need to choose from 30 different pastas? Why are there 10 different chicken options?

I ate at another Italian restaurant last week that literally had a 5 page menu. Let's say we have the most critically acclaimed chef ever (unlikely), who actually does have 5 pages of winners. There is NO WAY a chef can make every single thing on that menu perfectly and tastefully for one night of dinner service. The kitchen has to get stocked with a number of different ingredients to be able to make each of the 150 options, and since there are more items on the menu than patrons, the ingredients are probably chock full of preservatives or just not fresh.

If the restaurant actually tries to use fresh ingredients, the cost of food waste most likely outweighs the profit. If the items on the 5 page menu all have the same 5 or 6 ingredients, why do they need to be prepared 150 different ways. It takes a restaurant-goer longer to sift through the rubbish, increasing turnover time, costing the restaurant more money. And as a customer, I go to a restaurant to see what this particular chef does best. I already know where to get the best lasagna, at the deli by my parents' house. The best gnocchi, the local Italian bistro, the best whitefish with garlic butter sauce, spinach and mashed potatoes, same bistro. Any other Italian food, I cook it myself.

When I go out, I want the chef to woo me. I don't care if there's only one thing on the menu. If that chef makes that one thing better than anyone else makes that one thing, people will return. Logically, a restaurant should choose 10 to 15 items that people just rave about and have that be the entire menu. My worry is that those Italian places with 150 different dishes don't do 10 things well so they that's why they have so many options, then people think, "Oh, I must have made the wrong decision. It's my fault. I'll go back and try the next pasta on the menu." Don't ever think that you made the wrong decision. I firmly believe that the more items on the menu, the worse the restaurant.

Someone actually thinks Madeline Zima is attractive?

OK, this is where my superficiality shines through, and there's no delicate way to ease into this so here it is. Madeline Zima, from Heroes and formerly Californication, is so freaking ugly it's distracting. I first saw her on Heroes as Claire's best friend/roommate, and I literally asked my T.V. watching companion, "Why would they cast this girl? She's SO ugly!" I mean, women pay thousands of dollars in their mature years to keep their faces from sagging. Zima is 23 years old and her face already hangs down. What will happen when she's in her forties?

My companion suggests that she must have a father in the industry which is why she continues to get cast, but when I looked up her profile, all it says is that she used to model and that she is a highly commended actress. What? Seriously?

Now, I don't want to think people are ugly. Usually they're on shows that I enjoy watching, and I don't want to have to fast forward through their scenes just because I can't handle their faces. This makes me look at her squinting, imagining if I were drunk and so forth trying to see if there is any moment that I'd think she was the slightest bit attractive. Well, of course there are split seconds where Zima isn't awful, but then she smiles. Yuck! (Loudly) YUCK! Her face is worse than Fergie's. It's just not pleasant.

Fortunately, her role on Heroes was small and rare enough that at one point I thought they had actually come to their senses and written her off. No such luck; she made an appearance in last week's episode. No biggie, don't really like the show anymore anyway, probably not watching it after this season. Keep her around as long as you like. At least it'll keep her from contaminating other beloved shows of mine.

Which brings me to Californication, which people raved about. I've been watching the new episodes from season 3, and no appearances from Zima. We decide we want to get caught up so we rent season one. OMG! Yes I actually just used a text abbreviation to express my utter disgust. Not only is Zima on the show, she's a lead character whose sexual encounter with Hank Moody (David Duchovny) basically initiates the entire theme and story line for season one. I had to watch nearly 8 hours of that face like when she gets out of the pool and smiles, but her wet hair is slicked back so there's nothing hiding the ugliness. I wish I were a dude so I could focus on her body. The worst part is that they mention several times throughout season one AND season 2 (8 more hours) how attractive she is. Again, WHAT? Who are they looking at? Is my entire definition of what's beautiful wrong? This pangs me. What am I missing?

The other difficult part about watching the show, not that this would really make a difference, is that Zima's character isn't even supposed to be likable. She's a sociopathic plagiarizing lunatic. I mean I guess it helps when the villain is ugly, too, but why keep her around for an entire second season?

The truth is, if I hadn't known that she eventually got written off the show by season 3, I probably couldn't have continued watching Californication. I fast forwarded through the majority of Zima's scenes which accounted for a big chunk of the show. If anyone reads this post, please help me see what is so attractive and likable about Zima. And please don't say her body because I'd rather watch a fat Hillary Duff with her angelic face over a skinny monster any day.

On Project Runway season finale

I've actually been very satisfied with the outcomes of both reality shows I watch. Project Runway's first Lifetime season ended yesterday with Irina as the last Frau standing. While I did think Irina seemed overly confident and overly critical during the season, her designs continued to stand-out. This led me to the conclusion that I really don't want to know the personalities of the contestants. They cloud my judgment. Just because Mariah Carey is a diva and Whitney Houston is a crackhead doesn't mean they can't belt it out better than anyone. The same goes for Irina.

She may be a total bitch (please help me with a less offensive synonym), but if I were wearing one of her pieces, I don't think anyone would care that the person who designed it wasn't very nice. Just as no one would care that Althea has an overbite and Carol Hannah has acne (now I'm not very nice). Carol Hannah, if you ever read this, just lock yourself away for a week, don't wear any foundation and only touch your face to wash it, you'll be fine.

The reason I don't think I want to watch Project Runway anymore besides the fact that Christopher was in the bottom 2 for 5 weeks in a row and still didn't get voted off is because there just isn't enough time on the show dedicated to the actual fashion. What is an average show? 42 minutes? Do we spend 32 of those minutes watching them sew barely even getting a glimpse of what's to come? Then we see the item on the runway from top to bottom for a split second. Then they only keep 5 designers up on stage for judging, sending away how many others? Others that maybe I liked better than their top 2, but I'll never know why they were just 'safe'.

While I did agree with Irina as the winner, I also liked Althea's collection and wanted to see for myself why Irina's was better. I found myself going back and watching the runway show piece by piece today attempting to pause on each one. You know what? I couldn't. The film editors didn't show every outfit in each designer's collection from top to bottom, frontal view. So I spent how many useless minutes watching Carol Hannah keel over and vomit (actually that was pretty entertaining) instead of seeing the designs themselves. It's just not worth it anymore.

On America's Next Top Model "The Short Season"

Ah, as many of you who actually care to read this post already know, "The Short Season" was for girls 5'7" and under. And hopefully if you've decided to read this post you already know that Nicole, the quirky curly-haired redhead took the title after her stomp down the runway. Yes, stomp. It was quite a walk. But Tyra and the panel made a valid point, the stomp will make Nicole memorable, and often times, when you don't happen to already look like Tyra Banks, you need some sort of signature to make you stand out.

Actually, I totally agree with the panel's decision. Nicole was awkward, shy, a bit monotone, and in my personal opinion, not that pretty. Though, she did 'bring it' to almost every photo shoot. Her photographs were amazing from day one, and since I've begun watching ANTM, I've rooted for the weirdo underdog, i.e. Allison from last cycle.

As far as her walk goes, honestly, how much is a 5'7" model actually going to get booked for runway shows? She's a print girl, and that's what Nicole owns .. definitely over Laura. Also, in the season finale, I got a bit exhausted with Laura listing the ways she was better than Nicole. It seemed like a political smear campaign. Nicole kept it clean, only talked about herself.. both her strengths and weaknesses.

Speaking of another one of her weaknesses, the way she talked. I disagree with Mr. Jay Manuel. He thought she sounded snobby in her commercial. I liked the way she talked. If I had to hear Laura's drawl every time I turned on the T.V., I'd probably kill myself. Maybe it's because I'm a bit snobby myself, and people tend to gravitate toward what they know, but I got a good comfortable vibe from Nicole. While we're on the subject of speaking, someone in Jay's position should probably have a better grasp of the English language. If I hear him use "I" as an objective pronoun one more time, I'm going to send an English professor after him. He irks me.

Why I'm writing this blog

The trigger that has now prompted me to write this blog is that this total condescending judgmental douche from work acts all high and almighty every time I start talking about television with someone. It's really waring on my patience. Yes, I do watch too much T.V. Is it a problem? Probably. Do I want some inconsequential prick telling me so? Absolutely not.

Moving on, when I first started writing yesterday, I realized that my beef with most television shows is that some character is too ugly, and it's distracting. I stopped writing because I didn't want people to think I was shallow and only watched T.V. because people are beautiful. Truth, that IS why I watch T.V. I see ugly people every time I walk out my front door. Is it that awful that I want my T.V. watching experience to remain fictional and completely unbelievable? It's why I watch Sci-Fi and Desperate Housewives. Now, I watch America's Next Top Model and Project Runway because I absolutely love the world of fashion, and let's be honest, most people involved are beautiful.

So if you have a problem with the superficial and vain, then don't read this blog. I embody superficiality and vanity, and I escape to television to relish in it. Here are the shows I watch: Feel free to comment on any one of them. I'll start with Sunday and move from there.

MadMen (It is believable according to my mom, but not in my world)

Desperate Housewives (Gabby makes me laugh)

Entourage (it's like sex and pizza, even when it's bad, it's good)

Californication (have missed season 2 completely, someone still hasn't returned it to the video store)

Curb Your Enthusiasm (only occasionally, but they're all TIVOed so I can watch one if I need to)

House (best show on television right now)

Gossip Girl (usually just fast forward to see what everyone is wearing)

Heroes (I fast forward through most of this, probably my last season watching)

90210 (again, for the fashion, but some of the characters are growing on me)

America's Next Top Model (say what you will about Tyra, I like her)

Criminal Minds (probably my 2nd favorite right now)

CSI: NY (sorry Gary, it's getting old, and what's with all the 'to be continued...'s)

NCIS (I'm not completely caught up)

Project Runway (probably my last season, unless they restructure the show)

The Office (very disappointing season)

Community (if you haven't jumped on this bandwagon, you need to)

Smallville (hopefully it's their last season; however, Justin Hartley is the sexiest man alive)

Ghost Whisperer (nothing else is on on Fridays besides Smallville, I dread watching both)

24 (I love Jack Baur)

Dexter (I'm only caught up through season 3, please let me know if you know of a way to watch all of season 4)

I might be forgetting some, and of course there are the occasional Animal Planet shows I tune into, but for the most part, this is my line up. Please feel free to talk to me about any of these shows. My favorite thing to do in the world is discuss T.V. and I started this blog because I was hoping there were people out there who were as addicted, even to one show, as much as I am.

Melrose Place

I haven't yet watched the new Melrose Place. I'm not sure why I used the word 'yet' in that sentence. I will not ever watch that show; I just saw the commercial. However, does anyone agree that Heather Locklear, at 48 years old, is still the hottest one on the show? Go Heather.