Brittany Murphy's Gross Husband

It is the day after the shocking news of Brittany Murphy's death. While I was never a fan, I don't want to see a young person's life cut short, and who didn't love her in Clueless? I also don't want to speak ill of the dead so I'm just going to speak ill of her widower, Simon Monjack. He is a fat disgusting balding slob of a human with a criminal record, outstanding debt and nearly no accomplishments to speak of except marrying someone completely out of his league.

Usually when I'm completely flabbergasted by a mismatched couple, I'm able to come up with my own little make-believe story about why or how they fell in love. Take Fergie and Josh Duhamel. Duhamel is arguably one of the top ten hottest actors in Hollywood right now. Years ago whenever I was in a bad mood, I would just watch the scene in Win a Date with Tad Hamilton where he takes his shirt off, and I felt better.

I was sickened when I learned that he was engaged and now married to Fergie. If you look at pictures of them from their honeymoon as if you didn't know that they were famous, like they're just two unknowns enjoying their vacation, you would still wonder why this tall handsome beefcake is with this awkward, dowdy little mess of a woman. But I rationalized this mismatched relationship by convincing myself that she's a cool funny woman who's super successful, a good singer and dancer (even though Fergalicious is one of the worst songs ever written and a complete ripoff of Bootylicious), and Duhamel can pretty much guarantee that she'll never cheat on him since it's doubtful that there is any guy in the world as hot as he is who would touch her. It also made so much sense when it came out that he was cheating on her. Actually, unlike my angry Tiger Woods reaction, I was quite relieved by that news. It was like, "Ah, finally, something in this bizaare union makes sense."

This brings me to Brittany Murphy and Simon Monjack. Not in my wildest imagination could I come up with some sort of logical explanation for why they were together unless he was drugging her. That's my explanation only confirmed by the countless prescriptions found in her home and her untimely death.