Brittany Murphy's Gross Husband

It is the day after the shocking news of Brittany Murphy's death. While I was never a fan, I don't want to see a young person's life cut short, and who didn't love her in Clueless? I also don't want to speak ill of the dead so I'm just going to speak ill of her widower, Simon Monjack. He is a fat disgusting balding slob of a human with a criminal record, outstanding debt and nearly no accomplishments to speak of except marrying someone completely out of his league.

Usually when I'm completely flabbergasted by a mismatched couple, I'm able to come up with my own little make-believe story about why or how they fell in love. Take Fergie and Josh Duhamel. Duhamel is arguably one of the top ten hottest actors in Hollywood right now. Years ago whenever I was in a bad mood, I would just watch the scene in Win a Date with Tad Hamilton where he takes his shirt off, and I felt better.

I was sickened when I learned that he was engaged and now married to Fergie. If you look at pictures of them from their honeymoon as if you didn't know that they were famous, like they're just two unknowns enjoying their vacation, you would still wonder why this tall handsome beefcake is with this awkward, dowdy little mess of a woman. But I rationalized this mismatched relationship by convincing myself that she's a cool funny woman who's super successful, a good singer and dancer (even though Fergalicious is one of the worst songs ever written and a complete ripoff of Bootylicious), and Duhamel can pretty much guarantee that she'll never cheat on him since it's doubtful that there is any guy in the world as hot as he is who would touch her. It also made so much sense when it came out that he was cheating on her. Actually, unlike my angry Tiger Woods reaction, I was quite relieved by that news. It was like, "Ah, finally, something in this bizaare union makes sense."

This brings me to Brittany Murphy and Simon Monjack. Not in my wildest imagination could I come up with some sort of logical explanation for why they were together unless he was drugging her. That's my explanation only confirmed by the countless prescriptions found in her home and her untimely death.

Justin Timberlake should act for real

Since I've known who Justin Timberlake was, I've always been a fan. First secretly because NSync wasn't exactly my kind of music in the late 90s. I thought, I'm not going to admit it, but that baby-faced light haired guy is kinda hot. Then he rocked our bodies with his singing, dancing and beat-boxing (is that the word I'm looking for) skills in the early 2000s. I came right out and said, I like Justin Timberlake, he's hot and talented and if I ever were to meet him I would totally jump on the groupie bandwagon. Since then, he's gotten more likable, more wide-ranging offers and more publicity (i.e. "Dick in a Box"). He's proven to have hidden talents beyond what anyone ever expected out of this little Mickey Mouse Club member, but truth be told, I've never seen one movie of his.

I'm truly not a movie buff. I usually forget the names of movies shortly after I see them, and I generally just return to the same stupid comedies or awesome dramas that I love (Caddyshack, Groundhog Day, Goodfellas, The Fugitive). So if I'm missing some groundbreaking performance of JT's please enlighten me because I want him to succeed as an actor. Personally, I think that his days of just taking whatever script is handed to him are long over. He should be competing for roles with Leo and Matt Damon. Now, I could be totally wrong. He may just have the comedic element in his acting, but he is popular, credible and multi-talented; I really think he needs to hold out for an Oscar-worthy performance.

Cheating Tiger Woods

When I initiated conversation about the recent Tiger Woods scandal at work yesterday, my coworkers snapped back with a hostile, "Why do you even care?" Why do I care? Because it's Tiger Woods. Because a man who has shown in the past to have almost no weaknesses just committed the weakest sin a man could commit. Because while I respect him as a golfer and don't want to see his relationship with his wife end up like Phil Hartman's did, I've never really been a fan, and it's nice to see him knocked down a peg or two.

I figured that their, "Why do I care?" question was just a rhetorical one and that all my responses were understood. I simply responded with a shocked blank stare. My boss proceeded to ask how any of his discretions were our business. This I actually had an answer to. Now it's been about 10 years since I've taken first amendment law so I'm a bit rusty, but I seem to remember something about public figures giving up their right to privacy .. uh especially when that public figure crashes into public property like say.. a fire hydrant.

My boss' response, "Is he a public figure by choice or did we make him one?" My answer was, "It doesn't matter." But it still kept bugging me when I went home last night. While I know that every public figure from Monica Lewinsky to the guy who caught the ball at the Cubs game (hey I like the guy) involuntarily gives up their right to privacy once they've become famous, is it ethically right for us to get involved? I still arrived at the answer, "Yes." The poor Cubs guy shouldn't have left Chicago and changed his identity. I do not agree with his crucification, but if that' s the story, the media just follows it. And for Lewinsky, come on, she capitalized on her home-wrecker status.

As for Tiger Woods, did he voluntarily become a public figure? Besides the fact that he grew up American and is well aware what happens to professional athletes, he's signed multimillion dollar contracts with Nike, Gatorade among others, and he married a Swedish supermodel. Yeah, I think he willingly took the spotlight. And as usual, a scorned celebrity is missing the big picture. America is forgiving. We are. Trust me. I've worked in media, I'm a television addict and I understand human nature being the extremely flawed person that I am.

Tiger is in the public eye and he needs to accept it and embrace it. His public announcement on his website was all about HIM and his privacy and his own business. The only thing I heard in his entire confession/apology/plea for privacy was this: blah blah blah I'm a whiny jerk who cheated on my wife now leave me alone. So why couldn't he have just said that? It sucks that he cheated on her. It was possibly the cruelest and most selfish act he could have ever committed against his family, but you know what, I'm not perfect, I'm pretty sure neither are you so I get it. But don't sit there are criticize me for taking an invested interest in Tiger's lack of perfection until he comes out and says, "I'm a total jerk. My wife has every right to leave me and take my family from me. If I honestly thought that I could get away with this being the person I am, then not only am I a jerk, but I'm stupid, too. My wife is a lovely woman who deserves better, my kids deserve better, but I intend to spend the rest of my days convincing them that this will never happen again and that I will be the husband and father they deserve. Now I'm looking forward to the next big news story so this will all be considered old news."

I just wanted him to admit that he's a stupid jerk. That's it. Would I be done talking about it? Probably not, but I'd have more respect for him, and patiently wait for the next big scandal so I could talk about that to death.